I'm sorry I haven't a clue...

I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to all and anyone I may have had a conversation with recently.

I used to consider myself to be a good friend. Someone with an ability to listen to what the person I'm talking with is saying, and to take it in. To care about the conversation we are having, to remember it for future conversations. That is one of the key things that makes a good friend in my opinion.

Lately I have been listening but hearing nothing. I try really hard to remember what someone is saying; indeed I may be fascinated by it at the time. But more often than not if you ask me afterwards what was discussed I can perhaps recall 20% and I think that's being optimistic!

Some of it might return in time, snippets flying back into my consciousness. Or if something was mentioned a memory could be triggered off like a hot air balloon rising out of the depths of my mind.

I attribute this in the main to the interferon and ribavirin treatment I had for Hepatitis C. I’m sure my brain has not been the same since then. Before the treatment and problems with Hepatitis C I was proud of my memory, at one stage I could remember all my friends’ birthdays, their phone numbers and addresses down to postcode level. Maybe it is the age of the mobile phone - who needs to remember anything these days when I can pop it in my Sony Ericsson organiser - I'm convinced it's more than that.

Ok, I hear you say, I'm 33, maybe it's my age?? Whenever I mention my forgetfulness to anyone they say - 'Oh yes, I do that, that's just old age', I'm 33! And I remember practically nothing!! That's just not right. Or at least it isn't good enough for me.

I am failing in my attempt to be a friend, I am rubbish at what I used to pride myself on. It is so important and I just cannot do it like I used to.

I am now desperately scrabbling round the inside of my fluffy head for an example.

I have friends who are new mums working part time. They have told me time and time again which days they work and which they are at home. I couldn’t tell you now when they’re at home if you offered me a large box of Malteasers. I know I’ve been told. I know I listened at the time. I’m too embarrassed to ask yet again and really look like I don’t care because I do. So I don’t ask. And therefore look like I don’t care!

It's not just conversations. If anyone asks me to do anything for them, both Ade and his mother will testify to this, I will absolutely not remember unless it is written down in a place that is staring me in the face. The number of times Ade says, have you done suchasuch? I reply, whatawhat? You know, the suchasuch we discussed yesterday ... he grimaces at my blank expression. The suchasuch!! Ummmm, remind me again... What ever it was had gone like puddles in the sunshine until he prompted me. Sorry to him also, I honestly am not doing it on purpose just to annoy.

Work had, before my latest period of time off, become affected - I was swimming in a sea of things to remember hoping that I wouldn't get totally swamped and sink to the bottom with a soft plop. As everyone suggests and I always do - I took notes of everything. Every conversation, every meeting, every training session. I had four notebooks on the go for different areas. I had an appraisal and one of my peer review comments was 'Ros makes an excellent scribe and takes fabulous meeting minutes' - do I ever!! It's either that or become totally non-functioning!

I'm not just being lazy, I try really hard during a conversation to hold onto the important bits for longer than the duration of the conversation. I feel like my brain is mushy, that the interferon brain fog got hold of my tiny head and never let it go. My homoeopath has told me that the memory is one of the things the body can do without when it has to focus on repairing other areas. He thinks that as I have chronic fatigue the memory will be one of the last things to return to normal. I hope it does eventually.

So sorry to one and all - please forgive me if I forget your birthday again, forget your family’s birthdays, forget any detail you've told me in the past, forget your name (luckily that hasn’t happened yet thank god, I will check myself in for tests when it does!). I'm not trying to be obtuse. Don't take it personally I'm sorry I haven't a clue...