Joking apart ...

People tell me I have a positive outlook on life.  During my life I've been told this a fair few times.  I usually think nothing of it and thank them.  Recently, however, I've begun to question myself.  Do I??

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow.  Actually that was Whitney not me, it ain't a bad philosophy but it ain't mine.  My decision was to follow Eric and Ernie in thinking there should be more happiness in this world.  To apply Brian's philosophy to look for the glint of hope in even the biggest piece of poo that life deals us.  Thus I've tried to face most challenges with a smile and used my sense of humour to distract myself from difficulties.

Recently I find myself wondering if the sh*t really is just that - sh*t.  And mebbe I've known that all along.  Have I just been kidding myself??  Is my positivity a sham?  A facade?  Am I actually full of sh*t??

Maybe hearing people say too often - it's amazing how positive you are - begs the question, why the hell am I?  And then, in fact ... am I?  Or is it a discipline I've adopted for so long I'm smothered in layers and layers of positive attitude and unable to see the real Ros, whoever and whatever she may be?  Whatever and however she may feel.

Maybe upbeat-ism it is my shield of steel?  Maybe I wear my carefree cape for protection?  To protect me from delving deep into my deepest darkest innermost feelings??  Where reality could be pain and disappointment and gut wrenching inadequacies.  To protect me from honesty?  Or to protect others perhaps?  From having to hear about it.  From perhaps feeling pity, or sympathy, or guilt, or disgust?  Not feelings I'd want to engender in anyone.  I don't want that.  Not any more.

Perhaps I actually am this damn perky?  Perhaps I do laugh out loud in the supermarket, sing when I feel lonely and smile in the dark.  Maybe my antidote to the less fun stuff is positivity and hope?  What's wrong with that?  Is that not the best way to be?

Always looking on the bright side can be tricky when it's raining on the inside.

Should I turn my face towards the rain?  Seek out and face my truth?  Or turn away, put on that brave face, and smile ...

May I Be Well...

My friend and I recently went to hear a man called Dr David R Hamilton speak.

Dr Hamilton is an ex-scientist who now writes books and speaks in a motivational manner.  That is not the way he would market himself I am sure, but that is my understated synopsis.  If you would like to see how he does market himself you can do that here:

Dr David R Hamilton's website

I came to know him because the same friend lent me a book he had written:

How Your Mind Can Heal Your Body

I read it in no time - and yes, with CFS that isn't always easy but this book was straightforward and fascinating.  I would recommend checking it out if you are interested in any way in how the mind can have real impact of the condition and health of the body.

We attended his talk in Birmingham, which was on the same subject, and found him to be indeed a motivational and very entertaining speaker who makes complex ideas simple and has a great way with examples.  Whilst at the talk I purchased another book of his:

Why Kindness Is Good For You

It is this book to which the title of this post refers. In another Ros nutshell this book is about the direct impact kindness has been proven to have on your health.  Not just kindness towards others but also kindness towards yourself, and how behaving in this manner can change the very structure of our brains, can make us happier and improve our immune systems. Do I mean that by being unkind I am responsible for my having a bleeding disorder?  Unlikely because that is an inherited genetic condition. However, it is suggested that by not being kind we put stresses on our nervous systems to the detriment of our health. Some of the examples given of the conditions improved in David's book include depression, stress, inflammation, heart disease, blood pressure and pain.

That may or may not have relevance to the current state of my health but it is something that I can see the evidence for and I believe it is therefore worth a try.  It involves not only being kind and compassionate  towards others - which is not always as straightforward as it sounds.  But what is also important is being kind to yourself. Treating your self with compassion and love - whatever you feel you deserve or how lowly your opinion of you.

Within Chapter 1 is included an exercise which the reader can perform.  The idea is that meditation is a good way to alleviate stress and depression.  The meditation to try is a Buddhist Loving-Kindness meditation which is good for increasing positivity and pain relief. The book explains how to perform this meditation and includes the words which you use as a starting point.  The premise is that you begin with yourself and you can then expand the meditation outwards through your family, friends, work colleagues, neighbours, doctors, basically anyone and everyone you ever come into contact with.  You can aim to incorporate as many or as few people as you like, or you can start small and do only the circle closest to you.

I lay on my bed this morning and thought I'd give it a go.

I relaxed.

Closed my eyes.

I listened to my breathing.

Paid attention to it going in.

And out.


"May I be well,

.........

May I be happy

.........

May I be at ease"

I focussed on my heart.

On generating a warm positive feeling.


"May I be well,

.........

May I be happy

.........

May I be at ease"

Breathing in.

And breathing out.

Feeling relaxed.

And positive.

And calm.

"May I be well,

.........

May I be happy

.........

May I be at ease"

.........

I opened my eyes.

Kept my breathing calm.

And relaxed.

Feeling positive.

Slowly got up from the bed.



Walked to the bedroom door.

"May I be well,"

Walked into door frame.

"May I be ow bloody door frame,

May I be not flipping bashing myself into the frigging door frame,

May I be at ease, buggerit.

Hahahaaa!  Oh dammit."

Hmmmm, not quite how the Buddhists do it I expect.  Think I've got work to do.  And start on myself.