Mooncupdate...

Cheers! Or perhaps more aptly - Bottoms Up! Or if we're being pernickity - Up Bottom!


Was thinking of taking a 'half full' photo for the celebratory glass of red / cup of red effect. Then realised that would be one blood sodden step too far! This post would already receive an X in the gore ratings but that's without a photo of me hoisting aloft a measure of my own fine vintage.

The news is this. It is 3a.m. and I'm mooning as we speak. I'm cupped up. Cupping myself. Full up with cup. The Mooncup's up! It's up! It's ... no, it's still up and showing no signs of coming down.

Well fancy that.

I was sat, only minutes ago, on my porcelain chair, contemplating my Mooncup. Earlier tonight we were on our way out to celebrate Ade's sister Jackie's engagement - by way of an enormous sign, on a lorry, parked up outside her office window, Bob you are a surprisingly creative chap and many congratulations to you both - when I felt something dribble. Not enough to fill a milk bottle but more than enough for a thimble. Given that I didn't have a thimble the choice was Mooncup or tampon. As we were going to the pub and I was wearing white trousers with a top barely skimming my buttocks (now there's a phrase I've always wanted to use!!) I needed a safe option so plumped for the latter, purely on the basis of experience. Thinking about it now, that was flawed logic based on my history of bloody bottoms.

After two near misses in the pub in the bloody pant department we were back home. On my way to bed I automatically inserted a Super Plus and then thought,

"Really should be trying the cup. That's it," thunk I, "if I'm up in the night" (if I'm up in the night hahaaa that's a wheeze) "I'll pop it in and see what happens."

So back to my porcelain chair at just before 3a.m. I'm sat perusing my Mooncup. It's too big!! I may not be a vestal virgin but it's no Eurotunnel and this baby looks pretty big to me! Hmmm. It looked clean and rubbery and really I didn't want to spoil it or soil it, but what's a trial if you don't use the thing.

I folded it up on itself as instructed and popped it in. Now when I say popped, I really mean shoved. With some resistance of a rubbery nature. Luckily the bleeding was such that once inside it was soggy enough to move into position. The position, that is, I wasn't sure of.

The instructions stated the cup should be worn lower down than a tampon, just inside the entrance to the vagina. Now I think I got it just about in the right spot. I could feel the bottom of the cup just inside and the stalk was poking out for easy removal.

According to a commentator on my last Mooncup post and to the leaflet accompanying the product - which is quite frankly enormous and as weighty as a loaded tampon, but does contain instructions in more languages than the Pope himself speaks - one should trim the stalk of the Mooncup to a comfortable length. Well, I hadn't planned for this middle of the night moment. I had no scissors or other trimming device to hand. Sod it. I'm only going to be horizontal - how proddy can it get?? I'll trim it in the morning.

And here I am, writing this long hand at my dining table at 3.38a.m. thinking "that feels weird." I'm not sure if it's the Mooncup itself . . . in fact, I can feel the Mooncup cup inside me - I presume I'll get used to that. But the stalk is definitely gonna have to go! The actual sensation is less prodding and more reminding me of a time I had a corrugated card contraption inside me to supposedly drain off internal bleeding. It was held in place - i.e. stopped from whooshing up inside me by the force of my vaginal suction :/ - by a carefully positioned baby's nappy pin. This stalky sensation takes me right back there.

My concern will be to leave enough stalk there to enable removal. I could trim it now I'm up and about I suppose, but having scrawled all this down after being unable to sleep, I'd like to get back to my sweet dreams thank you.

I'll leave the trimming and measuring - god, I sound like a Greengrocer, or should that be Redgrocer - til the morning.

Wish me luck.

X


There's 50 points to the person who spots the Fawlty Towers reference.

Many congratulations to Jac and Bob on their engagement - yippee!! xxx